My Story in a Nutshell: From Anxiety and Depression to Teaching Yoga
I wrote this article a couple of years ago. My English was not that good then, but I decided to leave it the way it was because I wrote it from emotion and with my hands sweating. I needed to put it down as an opportunity to heal.
I was tired of working a 9-to-5 job.
I wanted to spend less time commuting and be the owner of my schedule.
And though there has to be something important out there for me.
Even now, I don’t know how I have found the courage to let go of the certainty of a job and go into the unknown.
All I knew was I wanted to do something different and meaningful to help others.
Soon, the reality hit me hard.
My savings were gone, and my family was asking me what’s my plan.
The truth was, I didn’t know what I was going to do.
I was in bad shape. I was not eating, showering, or wanting to leave the house.
Oh, and I was aggressive, arguing with everyone.
Before I knew it, I was experiencing anxiety and depression.
I had nothing to show for that life.
Until the day I got sick and lay in pain for three days.
On the second night, at 3 am standing at the edge of my bed and crying, I realized that all my thoughts were negative — thoughts about everyone, including myself.
Instantly I knew I was not my thoughts.
The problem was I couldn’t change them. I was in a vicious cycle. I didn’t know what to do to release my pain. All I wanted was to do something to get better fast.
I was scared. I thought I was going to die if I continued in that state.
I don’t know how to explain, but I heard the answer find its way to me — you need to start meditating.
That is what I did.
The funny part is that all I knew about meditation then was what I’d seen in movies. People in a cross-legged position with their eyes closed and their palms on their knees.
How hard can it be? I said to myself.
Well, I couldn’t do it.
My body was stiff. My back was killing me. And, if it wasn’t about the pain in my back, it was about falling asleep.
Something is missing, I said to myself. Alexandra, use your intelligence — what do you need to do now?
Again, the answer came — you need to start doing yoga. You need to move your body.
Strange, I know.
I don’t recall someone from my closest friends doing yoga back then.
But, I followed my intuition for the first time in my life.
So, I opened the first Youtube Channel I could find and started doing yoga in my bedroom, with the curtains off, because I didn’t want anybody to see me.
Besides my boyfriend, of course, nobody was there, but I was in hiding mode.
I wouldn’t say I liked it in the beginning.
Every inch of my body was in pain. I was not able to touch my toes. My knees were in pain, just like any other body part.
I even hated the girl from the YouTube channel.
All because I was in pain.
It was time to get back into the business.
I’ve neglected my body for too much time.
It was time to make a new commitment to myself.
Following my intuition for the first time in my life felt unusual. It was like someone invisible told me what to do, and I followed the guidance without asking questions.
That was something new in my life.
But I was scared to death.
I would grab anything to get out of that state.
It took me five days and 20–30 minutes of daily yoga to feel happy again.
I loved the fact that I was happy.
I haven’t felt that emotion in a long time.
Seeing the first positive result, I felt confident to start a 90 days yoga challenge at home.
That was the best decision ever.
It took me out of depression. I was feeling inspired by my own story.
After only 90 days, I was a different person.
All I knew at that point was that yoga works, but I didn’t know why.
So, out of pure curiosity, I joined a teacher training course to understand why yoga plays such a big role in my life.
Of course, I had months after in which I reflected on different aspects of my life.
Most of my days were like this — I sat on my sofa, looking at the ceiling and questioning myself about what was working and not working in my life.
Asking myself daily — who am I? Is this me or my ego?
I even set up a new belief system.
I knew during that period that I would pursue my love for yoga, even though I didn’t know what that would look like.
It took me a while to start seriously, but I’m glad I did. Even writing this story right now is part of the process.
Ever since I have felt the calling to lead and teach.
Sharing this part of my story is a challenging thing I’ve ever done. But that tells me how important it is to share.
We live in a society where everybody publishes only the best social media story.
Our darkness stays hidden.
We suffer alone.
But, when we bring it into the light, pure magic happens.
You may be reading this and see a reflection of a part of your own story inside of mine.
Maybe today is the day you shift your perception, and instead of feeling shame around it, you own it as part of your truth for your healing.